Tracked

  Working out and eating right, eh?  That's all it takes?  I shouldn't say "all" because that is everything.  And super hard to do and commit to.  I have about 4 days under my belt.  About two days of taking it seriously.  And about 3 days of actually working out.  I have been using my recumbent bike that I got as a gift from my work as a thank you for 10 years of service.  I also bought myself an elliptical trainer a few years back.  That thing has helped me lose many pounds and hang many clothes.  Right now it is hanging purses but only because I have been too lazy to return it to its place in front of the tv.  I figure if I was going to sit my butt down and watch tv, I might as well do some exercise while doing it.  And I actually am now.  I got an audio book and will only allow myself to listen to it when working out.  When I work out I am dedicated.  I don't really have a name for it, but I should start one.  I will call it "tracked" for now.  When I am tracked I am eating right, taking my vitamins as I should, working out nearly daily and nothing can stop me.  I am full of energy and positivity and feeling better about how I feel.  Who would have ever thought that working out gives you energy?  You would think it would suck out all your energy.  When I am tracked, I don't take naps during the day, I actually take my daughter and niece outside or to places and actually have the energy to get off the couch.  I usually have a clean house, because I have had the energy to clean it, do laundry, etc.  I have to figure out a way to stay tracked and to not think of it as a diet or as a means to get to a goal, but a way of life.  I know that you can't eat fast food and chocolate cake everyday and hope to have a skinny body.  Well, I know I can't.  I get fatter just thinking about it.  So I had a good breakfast today and by good, I mean that it was no carbs.  Except for the small bite of my niece's doughnut today, I think I have been pretty good today.  I didn't get any concession food from the kids' attraction place that I am writing at right now.  Even though a half of a hotdog and pepperoni pizza sit in front of me.  Eating that stuff will just make me feel guilty though.  I will love it for a minute but then remember that I have a goal in mind and that will definitely not help me move in a positive direction. 
  It's kind of hard for me to get out of that frame of mind though because I usually finish up what the kids don't.  I could never throw one piece of pizza into the garbage when I could just slather it with Sweet Baby Ray's and finish it up.  What's the point in getting a doggy bag for fries when you know thy aren't good after the first day?    Again, need to get in the "tracked" state of mind and once I am committed to it, it's hard to knock me off.  Even the occasional Portillo's dinner or chinese food run, I can pass up. 
  My sister is a workout hound and it's easy (well not easy, but easier) to get on board because she is one of those eat right/workout guru's all year long.  Not just when bathing suit weather is approaching.  She always has the latest "best" pills to try or powder to put into my drink that will help with this and that.  And she doesn't judge when I don't work out or have three straight nights of ordering pizza.  When I am ready to get tracked, she is right there next to me, cheering me on, asking how I did, helping me cook, giving me new ideas to try.  I swear if I ever find a low/no carb way to eat triple fudge caramel nut brownies, that will be my last and only meal I will ever eat. 
  When I told my sister I wanted to start rollerblading, she didn't laugh.  She's all about whatever interests me to get me moving.  Her fiancee used to be a trainer, and he still goes to the gym everyday.  Still, being around the could be spawn of Richard Simmons, that didn't give me the push that I needed.  I thrive on the feeling of my pants being looser and seeing my double chin melt away.  I often wonder how the heck it got there quickly then I remember that it wasn't quickly, that it was slow and steady. 
  Since this isn't the first time I have been tracked, or side tracked for that matter, I can tell when I so desperately need to get back on or just have had enough and want to jump off.  It's not really a conscious decision to jump off, just the ability to "just say no" to chocolate just becomes too much to bear.  I can tell when it's time to get back on when not only I start getting closer to a specific evil number which I have not touched since I lost weight three times ago, but when I start becoming dangerously close or my work pants couldn't be getting any tighter, I make a plan to get back on track.  To give up the sugar/carbs/beer and get back on the train to losing at least 20 lbs.  I can also tell that it's time to get back on track when I have zero desire or taste for any restaurant.  That means that I have eaten at all of them and nothing seems like it tastes good to me.  That's bad.   I live in Chicagoland... there's plenty to eat.  And don't you worry, I absolutely have.  I can also tell when it's time when I don't get that rush of relief or joy from eating whatever it is.  When I start feeling guilty and know that I shouldn't have eaten pizza or cake or ice cream.  I have a sweet tooth like nobody's business, who takes a hold of my brain and won't let go until I have caved.  I love ice cream.  I love Oreo's, I love Dairy Queen, I love Chinese food, buffets, whatever.  My mouth is watering just thinking of it, but those are all reasons why I am the way that I am.
  My daughter who is nine told me that she couldn't wait until she could see me skinny because she had never seen me skinny before.  That's super depressing because while yes, I was mostly chubby during her growing up, I had been through spurts of skinny'ness.  I have lost more and gained more pounds than she could count.  I want to get healthy for her.  I want to see her live her life and go through her milestones, and smile with her along the way.  Not be out of breath or too tired to even get out there and support what she wants to do.

Day 4 is here and I am TRACKED.

Day 3-- post 1

  So I'm here again, starting a new diet.  Setting a new goal.  Setting a new deadline.  What works for me: Low carbs/elliptical trainer.  What I've been doing so far... sometimes low carb/stationary bike.  My sister is getting married in June, my bff is getting married in August.  I'm a bridesmaid for both.  I have a size 16 dress for both.  When I got them, they were both baggy.  I think the salon women ordered mine bigger just in case.  But I was measured at two different places by two different women, so they must be right and I must be making excuses.  Oh right.  So I was told when I purchased the dresses that I had the option, if the dresses didn't fit, to send them in and get another size.  I took this as a challenge to lose weight and have to get smaller dresses. 
  I started a diet before Thanksgiving because I figured I would eat like a heffer and gain some more weight.  I thought that if I started eating well before the season, it would be okay for me to eat a little during the holidays.  Eat a little = eat pies and cookies and desserts.  Sue me.  So I did really well.  I didn't gain any weight after Thanksgiving and even managed to lose about 15 lbs.    Then, I am so going to blame my sister, but she came home from New York and she doesn't have Portillo's or delicious pizza, so I couldn't let her eat alone.  I abandoned my diet AND exercise and didn't start back up until about a week ago.  Damn it.  Once I get off the train and stay off for a week, I stay off. 
  There's a guy that I have had a crush on since I was in grade school.  I am 30 3/4 now.  He is still as dreamy as I remember him.  We have reconnected through social media and eventually started texting back and forth saying we need to meet up.  Yeah yeah yeah.  He's in my phone as my dreamboat with one of these <3.  There's no way I would meet him after 15 years of eating and eating and yo yo dieting and chocolate, cakes, cookies, carbs, beer, and fast food.  I am surely not the chick that he remembers.  It was St. Patty's Day this past year and he texted me saying we should meet up.   OH EM GEE!  I was just playing along with the "we should meet up" stuff, not guessing that he was serious.  I need to lose some weight first!!!!  I didn't know he was so close to actually wanting to meet up.  I need to get my ass moving.  Literally. 
  Mr. Dreamboat is not the reason, nor is the upcoming wedding season the reason...  nor are my skinny gorgeous sisters the reasons.  I am unhappy.  The one thing that makes me truly happy is being skinny.  Oh I have been skinny before.  It's staying skinny.  It's like quitting smoking.  You can quit everyday, but it's staying smoke free.  With dieting, it's just that.  A diet.  Something you eventually get off of or stop doing.  I need to think of it as a lifestyle change.  I always forget how much better I feel when I am off the grease, but at the time, it just feels so yummy (for a minute) to bite into some orange chicken from Panda Express or some french fries from... hell, anywhere.  I feel better when I am eating well and eating right and working out regularly.  It's just that I don't know how to do "in moderation."  In moderation turns into "always" for me.  Then the 20 lbs I lost turns into 15, 10, 5, then +5.  Oh well, this last time hasn't turned into +5 but it has turned into gained everything I lost this last time. 
  Here's to the future and adopting a lifestyle change this time.  Stay tuned.